I was adopted as a baby. From what I know, my biological parents are both very emotional, and I know at least my biological mother shares some symptoms with me. My biological father might have given me my artistic tendencies - I wouldn't be too surprised if he too had a rich emotional life. However, my adopted parents are both really dull and emotionless people. I got the genes of a fiery little artist and the upbringing of a fucking robot. So what happened, basically, is that I have never learned to cope with my emotions even though I am a deeply emotional person. I have never learned properly what I should do when I feel overwhelmed by, say, sadness or anger or confusion. Which is why I have always turned to either art or hurting myself in one way or another. I actually see this weight loss thing and all forms of self destruction as just kind of continuations of my artistic tendencies. They're symbolic gestures, things that leave a mark on my skin or the shapes of my body. They change how shadows play on my arms or collarbones. When I resort to any form of self harm, or am trying to lose weight, it's always from being overwhelmed by the emotions caused by certain situations and needing change somehow.
Right now I want to change a lot of things. I'm in a place in life where I feel incredibly stuck with every single one of my dreams and it makes me feel static. I don't like feeling static, it's not my thing. So I guess it could be said that I do this out of boredom. For the sake of change.
One of the things that needs to change: My relationship with my parents. I don't want to have to deal with how dad basically steals from me and emotionally abuses me ever again. I don't want to deal with my mum's disgusting martyr like manipulation, how she puts up a friendly face when we're not alone but beats me up verbally every time we are. I'm tired of them not giving two shits about my identity or interests.
"You're no man, stop being silly."
"Why'd you study experimental archeology you freaking idiot, there's no way you're ever going to get a job that way! First art and now this shit."
"Why can't you understand simple little things like this?"
"You have no sense of realism. You're incredibly dumb and just live inside your own head."
"Why do you make everything so hard on yourself and us?"
"It's just your sickness talking."
"Why do you want to hurt us like this?"
I get treated like the sick one, I get pitied and pampered and thrown from one doctor to another when these fucks are still out and about, arguing over my money and generally considered successful, good people. They are not good or successful. They lead fucked up lives they never dreamt of as children and think they're oh so much better than everyone else. Especially better than me, a person who has always went after what she wants even when every single person has been putting them down and telling them they're fucking idiots. I think I'm pretty successful for living this far and not changing despite everyone telling me to.
I have been bullied (in school and at home), abused verbally and physically, harassed sexually for years and then raped by another boy. There has been no safe place for me and very few friendly faces to remind me I'm not a piece of shit even though others tell me so. Of course it has left its mark. But I'm not giving up. Giving up isn't really my thing. One day I'll have it all figured out but meanwhile I'll just be the unstable little artsy fuck I am - I'm good at that.
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