This is getting ridiculous!

Okay, so... Sorry but I have to take a little break from this blog and everything else that's been triggering me like hell. It's stupid to keep myself miserable like this.

I went over a thousand calories, had a panic attack and purged the food my bf had made... I think that's a sign of I SHOULD STOP DOING THIS FUCKING SHIT.

See you later perhaps. Idk. For the time being I'm trying to recover because I'm fucking tired of making myself and those dear to me sad and because I should be at my sharpest on the 9th day at the entrance exam and school will probably start in august so I kind of need my fucking brain in good shape ok.

Yeah.

Fuck this shit.

*kicks blog*

Feeling kind of bad

Anxiety attacks are shit. Glad this one has mostly passed but I still don't feel too good. Sometimes I just suddenly realize how fucking ugly I am and how fucked up my head is and why, and it all just comes over me like a wave and makes me feel like I'm drowning. There's a part of me that tells me (right now) that I'm good for nothing and will never be. That I'm nothing more than a painfully average fat little girl who nobody can ever truly love. There's a me that's constantly screaming to me, with the spite and pity and anger of my parents and every single bully, shit friend and abuser combined, from the top of their lungs... And another me who tells me to "just get over it" because it's not really that big a deal and I have no reason to feel bad... That I have no right to feel bad because my childhood was actually a happy one. The second one is basically the voice of my mother. And boy do I hate it sometimes.

Yesterday went well!

Yesteray’s net: 245. I squealed when I realized it’s that little. :)

I feel dizzy as heck and I drank so much water I feel like I could throw up any minute but in some weird way it feels really good.

I've only had coffee today so far. Planning to go on a walk in the woods and continue building shit today so it’s very possible that I’m going to get pretty low today as well. I will absolutely have to eat “normal food” today though, bf’s mom is cooking and she won’t take “no” for an answer… Today we can’t be sneaky and leave before the food is ready and come back when everyone’s asleep. :/ But I’ll try to take just a little.

I have no idea of my weight because there's no scale here and it's killing me!

So I got drunk last night

The May eve is a pretty popular day for getting hammered here in Finland. We went to see friends and oops we're in the middle of a pub quiz and I'm downing my sixth cider. Oh well. I also ate all sorts of crap but I'm trying to not think about that right now. I'll just feel shit if I think about it too much and end up cutting or something else equally useless. I'm just gonna do better today!

So far:
-A cup of coffee with milk and two tsp sugar (we ran out of sweetener)
-200g grapes

I'll try to avoid unnecessary eating today.

Bf noticed my restricting yesterday and got kinda worried. He also said I've lost weight but I can't tell if he was just trying to make me stop or if he actually meant that. To be quite honest, it just triggered me to restrict more for some reason.

Some super random thinspo for today!